Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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