Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
