i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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