so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I love having hate sex.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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