i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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