Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
