I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Everclear isn't food dammit
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
