Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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