You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
