maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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