We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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