I wish you could order shots online.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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