That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
