you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
