My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
