What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
