we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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