there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am one with the molecules
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm both gender and math confused
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
