Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
