yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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