My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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