Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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