You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
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