hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
