you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
