I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
