The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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