I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So many bounce houses so little time
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
