a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
