so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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