the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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