I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
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I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
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Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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