I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
