I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
