She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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