Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
