All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
