last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
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he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
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It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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