I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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