I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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