You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
