Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
