I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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