The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My life is pants optional.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
