I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
