I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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