i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
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these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
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Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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