In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
