He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
