No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
