brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
