my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
