We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
