she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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