It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
