I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
