so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
