just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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