Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
