Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.