i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You made out with two different species that night
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer