She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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