i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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