Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
