Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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